Forgot to mention shopping yesterday – a set of water colours in tubes for me with the missing colours. Paper & paints for Jamyang & Kinzang. Plein air painting today.
Up at 6:15 so I decide my aching body needs yoga. On the balcony with the sun coming up over the mountains. Excellent. Thinking that I should have had a quick swim in the Haa Chu yesterday. I want a shower – so many taps! Shower is good – hot water scalding – so much prior adjustment. Yeah – only 1/2 the bathroom gets wet. Not a clue how to get the hairdryer to work. After breakfast 2 guys come to set it up (hair dryer): 1) unplug the hot water tank; 2) unplug the hair dryer (that is plugged into the wall); 3) use the wooden dowel to push the 3rd hole in the wall socket in; 4) plug in the dryer where the hot water tank was plugged. Easy!
We are off to paint and start at the temple and monastery (Takchu Lhakhang) on the top of a mountain (4000 M) opposite the pass to Haa Valley. The road is cobblestones all the way. So bumpy (extremely) but good. It begins in town and up through farms and then into temperate conifer forest. The colours of the deciduous trees here are changing – golds, some reds, and scarlet. And the conifers are different colours too. The way up is amazing. Single track, tight curves, sheer drops. Slow going – it’s as if the trip is preparing one – higher and higher. Each turn of the road a new vista – from long valley views to farms with fields and meadows, to tunnels of trees. As we climb I realize – always the best to last. But really everyday has been so special. I thought today might not be – just a bit of painting – how very wrong.
We finally arrive at the temple and monastery. We park and then climb just a little ways up stone stairs to arrive. I feel today as I have not before in Bhutan. The way up prepares me for serenity. I start to circumabulate the temple – always clockwise – three times. As I begin the 2nd I am overwhelmed by sadness and grief (I think). So many thoughts and feelings that they crowd in. I am weeping. I walk around, and just continue to walk. Each time I come to the corner of the temple with the spectacular view of snow capped Himalayan mountains (Jumilhari) I stop and I continue to weep. Chuck – I wish you were with me. Not just today but always. This place is one of being alone – and I am overwhelmed in my aloneness. Is this my journey now – and perhaps has always been – our steps are alone. But this, now is an extremeness – a profound alone. No Chuck. I weep. I weep too for Chuck – I think how afraid he must have been in his last years, and how I could do – no I feel did not do – enough to comfort this. To talk of it. I think of all the things I did not do, that hurt him. The images I have crowd in – and I try to just bring back those before Lewy Body, but so many are lost to me. I weep and I walk. The God of Compassion – but how to have compassion for oneself? The guilt I can feel. The forgiveness I do not have for myself. I weep. I walk. But I mostly feel – alone. A profound loss that is now alone. I think of this time in Bhutan. Friends asked if I might have some profound change or event life change? But now I feel not – all my life is a journey – like the road to this place – turn after turn. And then too – Bhutan is another (many) turns on my journey. All of the turns making my whole. As I am today. I weep. I walk. But I would like to go into the temple not crying. So, I try not to walk. I can get into weeping like this and go for an hour or more, but not today. I walk.
Jamyang has brought me my back pack so that I’ll have tissues. Once more around. Once more leaning on the wall of the temple. Once more the mountain ahead. Now I will walk up the lovely moss covered stone steps to the temple. It is modest, and has been re-built recently and not yet consecrated, or perhaps re-consecrated. Am glad I see it, but in my ‘recovery of weeping feelings’ it does not have so much an effect as this place itself does.
We find a place to set up to paint – the snow capped mountain (Jumilhari) view. Jamyang and Kinzang have the few art supplies to paint as well. Hopefully they will enjoy it, even just a little. I sketch and then paint. It centres me, and brings me a new focus to calm me. I soon have quite a crowd of young monks watching me – and watching so intently. They chatter. The move so close to me to see what I am doing. It’s quite astonishing that they are not at all shy to come so close – though they do not speak to me. I almost laugh out loud at one point as they seem to jostle to get close. Wonder what they are saying to each other? And then they are gone! A gong has rung and they all leave for prayers – I can just hear them praying. What must this be like for them? I paint on. I am OK with the results – though not so much with the lower slopes. Jamyang & Kinzang have done several each. Jamyang is quite carefree this his colours. Kinzang I think would be more comfortable drawing / sketching. But it does not appear they have suffered any. And it is almost 2PM!!
Tea and cookies and we pack up. It has been a profound day for me. (Writing this in the evening I weep again. Oh! Grief! It comes to visit when it wishes!) (And today – December 10th I weep again as I write.)
Down we go with a detour to a temple I have seen from afar. It is built (like Tiger’s Nest) exactly attached to the steep mountain side. It is amazing and a little nerve racking to climb the steps – 3 feet wide – mountain on one side, cliff on the other, though here there are stone walls along the stairs. Tiger’s Nest has railings – in good repair I have been told! (In my walking and weeping I realize I do not have my ashes with me. I feel sad I don’t, but perhaps relieved as well. I would be so tempted to leave them here – in my sorrow – but not awe which they each so deserve – most especially my dear Chuck!)
Down we go – the descent as lovely. At the bottom our checked odometer says only 8 – 9 km. I really find this impossible to believe.
Lunch. We decide afterward no walk, only a rest. I sleep for 2 hours until 6 and decide to go write and read in the dining room – warmth. I just begin to write when one of the 3 young female staff asks “Is it a diary?” There begins an hour and a half of delightful chat with 3 young (20) women and one young man. A bunch of crazy topics – Canada, Canada’s weather, Haa Valley weather, where they are from (the south of Bhutan), electric base board heaters, my travels in Bhutan, food, the western food at the hotel, when to get married, relationships, don’t date other staff, snow, snow shoes, cross country skiing, having fun while young. We end with a great number of group selfies. They set me up on their What’s App – but end up emailing me – and we are all pleased to see the pics arrive in my email! They thank me for chatting, and I thank them. They do understand when I tell that when traveling how so much of the best is when we meet and talk to the people where we go. (Writing this I am reminded of the 2 teachers from China that we invited to tea at Ramsgate Road after meeting them in the park. They had been in Canada for about 2 months, it was their last day. They told us over tea how sad they had been that day to leave Canada without being in a Canadian home. We were all so happy with that tea!!)
It’s our last dinner in Haa Valley – lovely rainbow trout from the hatchery. It’s delicious and great presentation. The last of my bottle of wine – and off to bed and to write.
Yet another amazing day – and I thought it might be too little. Off tomorrow at 9:30. I have to pack – and really want one more yoga session with the rising sun in Haa. My room continues to warm just a little with this heater. Give it a week! BTW – I am now writing in this lovely journal Sangay gave me – hand made Bhutanese paper. What a treat to record all my thoughts and feelings.
I am practicing Shuley Jay Gay – Goodbye – We will Meet Again.